Baseball To Use Instant Replay Because Robotic Umpires "Not Yet Ready"
NEW YORK--- On Tuesday Majore League Baseball announced that a deal had been reached between the umpires and players association to allow Instant Replay in stadiums to review questionable Home Run calls.
Unbeknownst to most, instant replay was second choice for Commissioner Bud Selig.
"We were hoping our Umpire 5000 would be ready by now so that we could get every call correct and in a timely manner, but alas we hit a major snag in that operation."
It turns out that Major League Baseball had accidentally concocted racist robotic umpires that never called white people safe.
"We programmed the umpires to analyze every facet of the batter and it turns out that the umpires believe all white people are slow, which is absurdly inaccurate and more offensive to me than any, I mean last night I finished in 30 seconds."
When asked what he finished in 30 seconds, Commissioner Selig got red in the face and told this reporter to forget anything was said.
Head Umpire Jim Bonaghy could not be reached for comment as he was getting his eyes checked.
Oakland Raiders 7th Round Pick Ends Holdout When Cut
OAKLAND--- 7th Round "sleeper" draft pick Richard Traverson out of West Harvard Middle State College at Peoria ended his holdout as serving GM and owner Al Davis cut him without even seeing him in practice.
"It's a sad day for Richard Traverson," said Richard Traverson, "He thought he was worth a cool 5 million a year and ownership felt he was worth about $12,000. Richard Traverson is sure he will sign on somewhere for his necessities."
"We tried to explain to him that not even Darren [McFadden] was going to be making that money but he wasn't having it," said Al Davis, "he kept droning on and on about how 'Richard Traverson has got a family to feed and what kind of Cadillac does 12,000$ buy Richard?"
This reporter made a call to Richard Traverson's agent only to get a surprising twist to the story: Richard Traverson served as his own agent.
"Richard Traverson's office, this is Richard Traverson speaking, how may he help you?" was the greeting this reporter was left with after several calls begging me to talk to him.
"My client is getting screwed," said Richard Traverson - the agent, not the player- "Richard Traverson did not get drafted number 223 overall just be dicked around by some guido in California, he is above that. Richard needs to support his balla-riffic lifestyle.. and his family"
Richard Traverson's family could not be reached, as it is impossible to interview fake people.
Little League World Series Star Pitcher Busted For Steroids
HAVANA--- Cuba's star 12-year-old pitcher Juanito Cortezo tested positive for 15 banned substances ending his seemingly short LLWS career after pitching 2 games, 14 innings allowing 0 hits, and striking out 42 batters while walking 1.
"I am sorry for my actions," said Juanito, "and for all the little children that idolized me, I should have taken that responsibility as seriously as my 13-year-old teammates."
Little League World Series Commissioner Dwight Grossman was astounded.
"I can't believe our sport has become so tainted. We tried our hardest to erradicate the throwing of games after the Santa Fe debacle of 2002 and now all of sudden we have guys juicing? I'm deeply saddened."
Looking back it should have been a little more obvious that the 6'5'' 234 lb. pitcher who reached top speeds of 150 mph... on his curveball was doing it with underhanded methods.
"In retrospect it should have been obvious," said Grossman, "on his questionnaire he listed cheating as a favorite activity and Barry Bonds as his favorite athlete."
Juanito's coach could not be reached because it was his B-pitcher's cycle time.
Fantasy Football Commissioner Pissed No First Round Picks Showed Up To Shake Hands
CANTON, South Dakota --- Fantasy Football Commissioner Ned Vance was upset with NFL stars after for the 5th straight year the 1st round picks all failed to show up to his league's draft to shake his hand and pose for the photo's.
"It hurts to realize that our league WoWFanz717172 doesn't get the recognition that some of these other leagues draft gets," said Vance after gathering all 4 owners for their annual draft held last Saturday at the local McDonald's.
"This is the biggest event in our little town every year and every year we are rejected by the "big" names to come and shake hands. This year we even promised Rex Grossman if he would just attend, he'd be the number 1 pick overall."
Rex didn't attend.
Ned spent most of Sunday using the town's computer typing up the teams to save him the hassle of having to remember everyone's picks.
"Now if only we could figure out a way to automatically score so I don't have to call in sick every Tuesday to tally the results."
The NFL stars who rejected the invitations to attend the draft could not be reached as they were off helping their communities.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Game Misconduct Volume 1 Edition 4
Favre Has Arm Soreness
NEW YORK--- In what is being called the worst Madden curse of all time, Brett Favre is experiencing arm soreness after 4 days of practice.
"We knew he was old, but we thought we could at least get a full year out of him," said Jets rookie end Vernon Gholston.
Eric Mangini was especially shocked after having to give up a 4th round pick for the future hall of famer.
"If I had known Favre would have soreness 4 days in, I would have only offered a 7th round pick and a bag of tortilla chips."
Favre could not be reached for comment because he was at the AARP Free Bingo night.
Chad Johnson Accidentally Reveals His TD Celebration For Week 1
CINCINATTI--- Chad Johnson in a state of lucidness accidentally revealed his super-secret touchdown celebration for Week 1 against the Baltimore Ravens.
"I plan on thwarting a terrorist attack with one call to President Bush and balancing the budget in 12 seconds all while lowering the price of gas to $3 a gallon. It's gonna be amaizng, but that's Ocho Cinco's middle name," said Johnson after being drugged up after injuring his shoulder Saturday night.
"If Chad can do that," said Coach Marvin Lewis, "I will actually have to debate the need to have anyone other than Chad on the field for the offense."
Carson Palmer could not be reached for comment because he was back in Southern California helping Rey Maulauga find a G-string that actually fits.
Chinese Gymnasts Driver's License Only Permits Operating Barbie Jeep
BEIJING--- Chinese gymnasts controversy got out of hand Wednesday night as a reporter requested to see her drivers license.
"She pulled out her lisense and it clearly said, 'this card is not operable with any real cars other than Barbie Jeep.' It was astounding how nobody caught this earlier," said reporter Jackie Thomas-Fefferman.
Chinese gymnasts coach could not be reached for comment as he had taken the team out for pizza and play-time at Chuckie-Cheese.
French Men's Relay Team Drown After Swallowing Pride In Pool
BEIJING---In what is being called the worst Olympic accident of all time, French swimmer Alain Bernard died Tuesday evening after swallowing pride after Jason Lezak and the United States Men's Relay team beat the French by .02 of a second.
"It was really sad," Gold-Medalist Michael Phelps said, "but Bernard was a giant douche and I'm not going to lie, I kind of cracked a smile at the end of it."
Bernard had recently been quoted as saying the French relay team was in Beijing to "smash the Americans."
NEW YORK--- In what is being called the worst Madden curse of all time, Brett Favre is experiencing arm soreness after 4 days of practice.
"We knew he was old, but we thought we could at least get a full year out of him," said Jets rookie end Vernon Gholston.
Eric Mangini was especially shocked after having to give up a 4th round pick for the future hall of famer.
"If I had known Favre would have soreness 4 days in, I would have only offered a 7th round pick and a bag of tortilla chips."
Favre could not be reached for comment because he was at the AARP Free Bingo night.
Chad Johnson Accidentally Reveals His TD Celebration For Week 1
CINCINATTI--- Chad Johnson in a state of lucidness accidentally revealed his super-secret touchdown celebration for Week 1 against the Baltimore Ravens.
"I plan on thwarting a terrorist attack with one call to President Bush and balancing the budget in 12 seconds all while lowering the price of gas to $3 a gallon. It's gonna be amaizng, but that's Ocho Cinco's middle name," said Johnson after being drugged up after injuring his shoulder Saturday night.
"If Chad can do that," said Coach Marvin Lewis, "I will actually have to debate the need to have anyone other than Chad on the field for the offense."
Carson Palmer could not be reached for comment because he was back in Southern California helping Rey Maulauga find a G-string that actually fits.
Chinese Gymnasts Driver's License Only Permits Operating Barbie Jeep
BEIJING--- Chinese gymnasts controversy got out of hand Wednesday night as a reporter requested to see her drivers license.
"She pulled out her lisense and it clearly said, 'this card is not operable with any real cars other than Barbie Jeep.' It was astounding how nobody caught this earlier," said reporter Jackie Thomas-Fefferman.
Chinese gymnasts coach could not be reached for comment as he had taken the team out for pizza and play-time at Chuckie-Cheese.
French Men's Relay Team Drown After Swallowing Pride In Pool
BEIJING---In what is being called the worst Olympic accident of all time, French swimmer Alain Bernard died Tuesday evening after swallowing pride after Jason Lezak and the United States Men's Relay team beat the French by .02 of a second.
"It was really sad," Gold-Medalist Michael Phelps said, "but Bernard was a giant douche and I'm not going to lie, I kind of cracked a smile at the end of it."
Bernard had recently been quoted as saying the French relay team was in Beijing to "smash the Americans."
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Game Misconduct Volume 1 Edition 3
Report: Preseason Fantasy Football Not As Good As Regular Season
AP--- A study found that among the 47% of American citizens that play fantasy football. A surprisingly high 8% of them have tried the newer invention of Preseason Fantasy.
"It's a lot tougher," said Brian Barttlemen, "it's all about finding that ultimate sleeper player. This year I have my eyes set on Chad Mustard and David Aromashodu."
While finding that sleeper player may be easy to some, others are finding it difficult to just find a league with the short amount of time the leagues have before playoffs begin.
Randy Feinberg of Duluth, Minnesota has been advocating the league add a 5th and 6th preseason game for over three years now.
"Some people want the preseason to end sooner to spare their players from serious injury, but those people don't even consider the hundreds of us that need those last three weeks to determine our champions."
Aaron Medipants from the Association to End Preseason Football Before It's Too Late (or AEPFBITL for short) says this group of people are an outrage to American Fantasy Sports.
"They are an outrage to American Fantasy Sports. Everyone knows the real Fantasy Seasons start in September and anyone who says different has a serious gambling problem."
This debate does not seem to end anytime soon, but for both Feinburg and Barttlemen that's more than enough time to continue to fight the good fight.
"We will continue our shorter, favorable fantasy schedule until we are dead, and that's a fact."
BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre Traded To San Diego Area Flag Football Team Chicks +Dicks
GREEN BAY--- This reporter has just gotten word that Brett Favre, longtime Packer hero has been traded to local co-ed Flag Football team Chicks and Dicks for 12$ cash and Chicks + Dicks WR Jennie Yarhtzel's secret oatmeal raisin cookie recipe.
"We're stoked," said Jennie, "last year we came within one play of making the superb bowl, but because of our douchebag quarterback who most likely just closes his eyes and rifles the ball wherever he could get it. We think that while Brett may do some of the same, he'll do it in a manner that earns 13 million dollars a year."
The mood in Green Bay was rather somber, as many saw Favre traded to a team that wears the purple and yellow the Packers have been rivals with for decades.
Mike McCarthy said this is a sad day for Green Bay "I've never thought I'd ever live to see the day that Brett would dress in those colors. I was certain he shit yellow and green. Literally certain! I mean I once saw his shit and it was disgusting."
Prince Fielder Justifies Feud In Dugout Because It Worked In Major League 2
MILWAUKEE--- Yesterday after pushing starting pitcher Manny Parra in the dugout inciting a short feud between the two as many players joined to restrain Fielder from Parra.
"I made a mistake, "Fielder said in a press conference, "But.. haven't you guys ever seen Major League 2? I mean how do you think they made the playoffs? Didn't that start their whole playoff run. I'm just trying to give our team that push we need."
Terrell Owens Excited To Tear Apart Another Team Again This Year
DALLAS--- Terrell Owens is finally ready to breakout of his "team-first" mantra he adapted as a result of the backlash that occurred after leaving Philadelphia back in 2005.
"I feel I've done all I can here and I can't hide my true colors anymore. If Brett Favre was our QB. We'd be a lot better off than we are now. Tony can't win in pressure game. He don't get T.O. the ball when T.O. needs the ball," Owens said.
Owens has even started to go out with controversial talent Adam "I'm still Pac-Man" Jones.
"We made it rain last night. That sh*t was balla. I finally popped a cap in someone's ass it was...actually...we left a while before that dude got shot, I have no knowledge or anything about that incident. Talk to my lawyers bitch."
AP--- A study found that among the 47% of American citizens that play fantasy football. A surprisingly high 8% of them have tried the newer invention of Preseason Fantasy.
"It's a lot tougher," said Brian Barttlemen, "it's all about finding that ultimate sleeper player. This year I have my eyes set on Chad Mustard and David Aromashodu."
While finding that sleeper player may be easy to some, others are finding it difficult to just find a league with the short amount of time the leagues have before playoffs begin.
Randy Feinberg of Duluth, Minnesota has been advocating the league add a 5th and 6th preseason game for over three years now.
"Some people want the preseason to end sooner to spare their players from serious injury, but those people don't even consider the hundreds of us that need those last three weeks to determine our champions."
Aaron Medipants from the Association to End Preseason Football Before It's Too Late (or AEPFBITL for short) says this group of people are an outrage to American Fantasy Sports.
"They are an outrage to American Fantasy Sports. Everyone knows the real Fantasy Seasons start in September and anyone who says different has a serious gambling problem."
This debate does not seem to end anytime soon, but for both Feinburg and Barttlemen that's more than enough time to continue to fight the good fight.
"We will continue our shorter, favorable fantasy schedule until we are dead, and that's a fact."
BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre Traded To San Diego Area Flag Football Team Chicks +Dicks
GREEN BAY--- This reporter has just gotten word that Brett Favre, longtime Packer hero has been traded to local co-ed Flag Football team Chicks and Dicks for 12$ cash and Chicks + Dicks WR Jennie Yarhtzel's secret oatmeal raisin cookie recipe.
"We're stoked," said Jennie, "last year we came within one play of making the superb bowl, but because of our douchebag quarterback who most likely just closes his eyes and rifles the ball wherever he could get it. We think that while Brett may do some of the same, he'll do it in a manner that earns 13 million dollars a year."
The mood in Green Bay was rather somber, as many saw Favre traded to a team that wears the purple and yellow the Packers have been rivals with for decades.
Mike McCarthy said this is a sad day for Green Bay "I've never thought I'd ever live to see the day that Brett would dress in those colors. I was certain he shit yellow and green. Literally certain! I mean I once saw his shit and it was disgusting."
Prince Fielder Justifies Feud In Dugout Because It Worked In Major League 2
MILWAUKEE--- Yesterday after pushing starting pitcher Manny Parra in the dugout inciting a short feud between the two as many players joined to restrain Fielder from Parra.
"I made a mistake, "Fielder said in a press conference, "But.. haven't you guys ever seen Major League 2? I mean how do you think they made the playoffs? Didn't that start their whole playoff run. I'm just trying to give our team that push we need."
Terrell Owens Excited To Tear Apart Another Team Again This Year
DALLAS--- Terrell Owens is finally ready to breakout of his "team-first" mantra he adapted as a result of the backlash that occurred after leaving Philadelphia back in 2005.
"I feel I've done all I can here and I can't hide my true colors anymore. If Brett Favre was our QB. We'd be a lot better off than we are now. Tony can't win in pressure game. He don't get T.O. the ball when T.O. needs the ball," Owens said.
Owens has even started to go out with controversial talent Adam "I'm still Pac-Man" Jones.
"We made it rain last night. That sh*t was balla. I finally popped a cap in someone's ass it was...actually...we left a while before that dude got shot, I have no knowledge or anything about that incident. Talk to my lawyers bitch."
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Game Misconduct Volume 1 Edition 2
Olympians Write Gold Medal Acceptance Speech and Steroid Denial Speech on Same Evening
Manny Ramirez officially ends relationship with Red Sox via Facebook
BOSTON--- Manny Ramirez made it "Facebook-official" at 3:12 PM shortly before the start of their series-ending game vs. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
"It's a sad day for me," said Manny according to his Facebook status, "Boston will always be in my heart <3"
"I was shocked," said Manager Terry Francona, "when I logged into Facebook earlier this afternoon, it was the first thing I noticed that and the 12 bumper stickers Manny sent to me telling me to 'Go Fuck Myself' in multiple languages."
Players and fans had multiple reactions to the news this afternoon.
Tim Donaghy Sentenced To Referee NBADL Games For Eternity
Report: 57% More Children Are Trying Drugs To Be Like Josh Hamilton
Manny Ramirez officially ends relationship with Red Sox via Facebook
BOSTON--- Manny Ramirez made it "Facebook-official" at 3:12 PM shortly before the start of their series-ending game vs. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
"It's a sad day for me," said Manny according to his Facebook status, "Boston will always be in my heart <3"
"I was shocked," said Manager Terry Francona, "when I logged into Facebook earlier this afternoon, it was the first thing I noticed that and the 12 bumper stickers Manny sent to me telling me to 'Go Fuck Myself' in multiple languages."
Players and fans had multiple reactions to the news this afternoon.
Tim Donaghy Sentenced To Referee NBADL Games For Eternity
Report: 57% More Children Are Trying Drugs To Be Like Josh Hamilton
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Game Misconduct Volume 1 Edition 1
Brett Favre Returns To College In Hopes Of Returning To The NFL
GREEN BAY -- A tearful Brett Favre returned to the very same podium he announced his retirement on March 5th.
"I was wrong to retire and with the lack of available options, I have decided to return to Southern Miss for a year to earn my way back into the NFL."
Southern Mississippi Head Coach was more than thrilled with Favre's decision.
"Obviously I feel we now have a chance to contend for a National Title with Brett as our QB," Larry Fedora said on Thursday at a Press Conference, "The only issue is lack of eligibility...and the dumb interceptions he's been throwing for years.
Longtime professional football announcer and video-game aficionado John Madden was on hand for the press conference.
"Obviously this is a great move for all interested parties. Brett Favre, the greatest QB of our generation, gets to play again and Southern Miss gets to play the greatest QB of our generation week in and week out."
That wasn't the most surprising statement Madden made. "I too, will move down to focus on college football now, so that I may focus my career on what I do best: suck up to Brett Favre."
After announcing Favre's return to Southern Miss, the Golden Eagles shot up from being previously unranked to become the 1st ever non-BCS school to earn the number 1 ranking in the latest polls.
WNBA Fight Still Unable To Make The Sport Interesting
DETROIT-- Tuesday night's Exhibition match up between the Detroit Shock and Los Angeles Sparks gave way to a fairly dry and uneventful fight with less than 10 seconds remaining in the game.
"I have to say I was a little disappointed," Ron Artest said after watching the fight for the thirteenth time on YouTube in less than an hour, "I saw no heart out there, and even worse no one rested on the announcer's table just begging a fan to get involved, but then again I'm not even sure there is an announcer's table to rest on, or for that matter a fan of the WNBA."
The lack of flair in the cat fight that denegrated from rookie sensation Candace Parker's tackle on Plennett Pierson, who appeared to be the aggressor between the two players.
"I wanted to show everyone that I can do everything the men can do," Parker said to the media, "I figured what better Arena to prove that in than the one that the real professional basketball players turned into a riot."
Unfortunately for Parker, she was unable to take the fight into the crowd so she could have time off to promote a record for a band she represents.
"My band is just as good as Artest's, I was hoping for some time off to help them on their tour."
MLS Season Cancelled Due To Lack Of Ratings
TORONTO--- After the MLS All-Star game drew less than a .3 on the Nielsen Rating System, MLS executive Rock Tarrison spoke out and said that the MLS had been cancelled.
"We regret to inform the media of ESPN and ABC's joint decision to cancel the MLS. It comes as a great disappointment to us all and a complete surprise - we certainly thought we'd outlast the WNBA," Rock said fighting back the tears Thursday evening.
ESPN President of Alternative Programming During The Slow Months, Jack Jackson said the move was purely budgetary and the WNBA would have been gone if it wasn't for the 3,000,000 views on The Fight videos posted all over the web.
Lone Soccer fan Derrick Hernandez, who resides in San Diego, CA. was outraged.
"It's bullsh*t," Hernandez said, "football has been my life for twenty years and now they decide to trash it when they still allow garbage shows like SuperNanny, High School Musical and that trash TitleTown on ESPN."
When told the MLS was only in existance for 12 years, Hernandez said, "F-ck off," and proceeded to storm off in a huff, presumably heading towards Mexico.
SuperBiker Finishes Tour De France Days Before Scheduled Finish
PARIS--- 6 foot 3 245 pount biker Hans Trabasso finished the Tour De France today after biking for 20 straight days.
"I feel confident that my victory will be upheld by the Cycling heads, as I was the first person to finish the race, therefore winning it."
When asked about drug tests Hans proceeded to smash the podium into two pieces shouting in a mixture of different languages.
Hans needed to be restrained from the media after the question was asked, it is quite likely that a positive drug test will disqualify Hans and the real winner will be decided Sunday
GREEN BAY -- A tearful Brett Favre returned to the very same podium he announced his retirement on March 5th.
"I was wrong to retire and with the lack of available options, I have decided to return to Southern Miss for a year to earn my way back into the NFL."
Southern Mississippi Head Coach was more than thrilled with Favre's decision.
"Obviously I feel we now have a chance to contend for a National Title with Brett as our QB," Larry Fedora said on Thursday at a Press Conference, "The only issue is lack of eligibility...and the dumb interceptions he's been throwing for years.
Longtime professional football announcer and video-game aficionado John Madden was on hand for the press conference.
"Obviously this is a great move for all interested parties. Brett Favre, the greatest QB of our generation, gets to play again and Southern Miss gets to play the greatest QB of our generation week in and week out."
That wasn't the most surprising statement Madden made. "I too, will move down to focus on college football now, so that I may focus my career on what I do best: suck up to Brett Favre."
After announcing Favre's return to Southern Miss, the Golden Eagles shot up from being previously unranked to become the 1st ever non-BCS school to earn the number 1 ranking in the latest polls.
WNBA Fight Still Unable To Make The Sport Interesting
DETROIT-- Tuesday night's Exhibition match up between the Detroit Shock and Los Angeles Sparks gave way to a fairly dry and uneventful fight with less than 10 seconds remaining in the game.
"I have to say I was a little disappointed," Ron Artest said after watching the fight for the thirteenth time on YouTube in less than an hour, "I saw no heart out there, and even worse no one rested on the announcer's table just begging a fan to get involved, but then again I'm not even sure there is an announcer's table to rest on, or for that matter a fan of the WNBA."
The lack of flair in the cat fight that denegrated from rookie sensation Candace Parker's tackle on Plennett Pierson, who appeared to be the aggressor between the two players.
"I wanted to show everyone that I can do everything the men can do," Parker said to the media, "I figured what better Arena to prove that in than the one that the real professional basketball players turned into a riot."
Unfortunately for Parker, she was unable to take the fight into the crowd so she could have time off to promote a record for a band she represents.
"My band is just as good as Artest's, I was hoping for some time off to help them on their tour."
MLS Season Cancelled Due To Lack Of Ratings
TORONTO--- After the MLS All-Star game drew less than a .3 on the Nielsen Rating System, MLS executive Rock Tarrison spoke out and said that the MLS had been cancelled.
"We regret to inform the media of ESPN and ABC's joint decision to cancel the MLS. It comes as a great disappointment to us all and a complete surprise - we certainly thought we'd outlast the WNBA," Rock said fighting back the tears Thursday evening.
ESPN President of Alternative Programming During The Slow Months, Jack Jackson said the move was purely budgetary and the WNBA would have been gone if it wasn't for the 3,000,000 views on The Fight videos posted all over the web.
Lone Soccer fan Derrick Hernandez, who resides in San Diego, CA. was outraged.
"It's bullsh*t," Hernandez said, "football has been my life for twenty years and now they decide to trash it when they still allow garbage shows like SuperNanny, High School Musical and that trash TitleTown on ESPN."
When told the MLS was only in existance for 12 years, Hernandez said, "F-ck off," and proceeded to storm off in a huff, presumably heading towards Mexico.
SuperBiker Finishes Tour De France Days Before Scheduled Finish
PARIS--- 6 foot 3 245 pount biker Hans Trabasso finished the Tour De France today after biking for 20 straight days.
"I feel confident that my victory will be upheld by the Cycling heads, as I was the first person to finish the race, therefore winning it."
When asked about drug tests Hans proceeded to smash the podium into two pieces shouting in a mixture of different languages.
Hans needed to be restrained from the media after the question was asked, it is quite likely that a positive drug test will disqualify Hans and the real winner will be decided Sunday
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)