Fantasy Football Week 1

Disclaimer: I assumed I was going to win week 1 so I wrote this then before the games started and now I don’t feel like changing it because, well, none of you are worth the effort, except Joey but I have it on good word he’s slutty as fuck, so I’m just going to copy and paste it.

Ladies
As I begin my rise to domination with a crushing defeat over the Duke Silver Trio I thought I would write you all and tell you why you should have given up after I got both Carson Palmer and Matty “Ice” Ryan. And I want to take this time to look over everyone’s draft and praise myself for making such excellent picks as, Ryan Mathews at 13th overall Beanie Wells in the 4th Round at 29, I mean come on guys how am I getting these amazing players at these picks and looking at who you all selected before that makes me laugh. I mean really who picks Aaron Rodgers or Larry Fitzgerald before Ryan F’ing Mathews and Beanie Wells I mean as a league of mostly OSU students. (Parker doesn’t count because he is a Viking fan.) you should know the talent that the dude has and will clearly rush for more yards than Chris Johnson and Adrian Peterson combined… so what if there are reports of his injury being maybe a little more serious than we’re lead to believe that’s bullshit to be honest. He’ll run for 250 yards and 3 TDs week 1 guaranteed.
Now on to my mocking of specific draft picks… let’s start with

Slob on my Kolb – You drafted QBs Alex Smith and Brett Favre. DUMB! You got a QB with tiny hands and another with a tiny…. Brain, what did you think I was going to say? I’m writing this in September before anything has come to light.

Ironton Tanks - Kyle Orton? There’s a reason the savior of football was going to Denver and he’s going to play, mark my words by week 4 Orton will be hearing several Who’s as nobody will recognize him after he gives up his spotlight To Timothy Tebow.

Balls Models Inc. – Chad Henne? Ha lets take a look at all the players you could have gotten in this spot instead and judge as to who made the right call… Alex Smith, San Diego Defense or even Vincent Jackson, all of whom will be more productive than this former scUM athlete.

Duke Silver Trio – I’m going to take it easy on you as I’m certain this Sunday was rough on you as I full on “Roethlisbergered” your team by probably 900 points or so, but Arian Foster? How do you name a kid Arian? That just seems to set itself up for racism, I haven’t heard of him so he probably sucks, better hope you don’t have to start him this week vs. me otherwise I might win by 1000 points.

Remember the Titans – I want to thank you for taking Eli Manning instead of Carson Palmer whom I got three picks later because without Carson I couldn’t be anywhere near as confident as I am in finally winning this league and becoming youre first ever deserving champion. (HINT: for those playing along at home the only deserving champion ever is Me.)

GB Fudge Packers – I can’t really knock this draft. Kolb in the 2nd round is legit and Jermichael Finley was the TE I wanted I actually feel like I will be seeing this team in the championship at the end of the year.

Defending Champion – While your team name may hold true for a week, do not think for one second I haven’t circled weeks 5 and 13 on my calendar sir. But I’m not worried as any team that has Philip Rivers on it won’t be champion for long.


Soon enough I’ll be top of the class in the standings and in all of your hearts, except Parker, he can suck it.